Monday, November 21, 2011


Know how pretty much every story from every Saturday in football season goes, "Went to bar, got drunk, LSU won, met a boy, sooooo hungover"? Yeah. Not this one. Other than LSU winning, it was the opposite of all that. Suckeh suckeh sucks. Actually, just listen to this:

Avenue Q pretty much sums up my life right now. And not in a good way. I'm trying to be positive and have a "YAY! CAN DO!" attitude. People, you should know by now I am not made for that sort of sugar coated bullshit attitude. Which means there is a lot of complaining after the jump.

I got my wings seriously clipped by my family (by which I mean my mother and brother because my dad would never ever ever do anything so cruel) and that has meant a super fun tailspin. Along with your usual holiday stress and PMS, I am in no fucking mood.

I also took on my first ever actual legal project. I am so completely and totally out of my depth it's not even funny. All I keep thinking is, "There's no way I can make it any WORSE, right? So..." Which I really really hope is true. But fun fact: they taught us nothing practical in law school. Nothing. I have to go file docs at the court house. I have a vague idea of how I do this. From when I clerked at a huge Baton Rouge law firm. But law school? Nothing. I'm not even sure if I have to like register with the court? Though I may have my client file this pro per for logistical reasons...

Law school is akin to if you wanted to learn construction and you discussed hammer theory. You talked about designs, different applications of the hammer, best materials to make a hammer. You talked about how it would work differently on different nails. You discussed what a hammer looks like and in what instances it would be appropriate to use a hammer. BUT YOU NEVER PICKED UP A FREAKING HAMMER! How useless is that? It's super useless. Now, in fairness, you can get some practical experience by taking on internships. But there's such an emphasis on grades and that you will fail out if you don't make them that you focus on hammer theory, instead of getting an internship and the you find out once you graduate and pass the bar that it's all bullshit. We took writing classes too. But those were sort of de-emphasized as being jokes taught by little old biddies who couldn't hack it in the real world. I actually loved my first year legal writing teacher but I wasn't any good at the class. I don't think I really understood the concept and so am a shitty legal writer. (This NYT's article came out on Sunday on the topic of unprepared law students. I can't bring myself to read it yet as I'm sure it will lead to more crying in the fetal position but I'll get to it eventually.)

And now I have to write an answer to a motion for opposing counsel's attorney's fees per a contract. I read opposing counsel's memo and was all "Well SHIT. I don't disagree with this. Do I just roll over and go 'uncle'? AHHH! WHAT AM I DOING?!" I don't even have pleading paper set up on my computer.

Which is WHOLE 'nother issue. I had a really awful Mac customer service experience regarding my non-functioning screen. And since I didn't have my A game the day I went into the "genius" bar, where I should have just left when a guy named Sheldon helped me, I think I got worked. And now it has been festering. And I'm pissed and hate Apple for me buying THE most expensive laptop on the market that they now won't fix. Even though I bought the still good extended warranty! I've tried finding an email address for customer service online, as I am a big fan of the strongly worded email. No go. I've even tried to find the terms of my apple care warranty online with no luck. I HATE Apple. So my comp is gonna cost me $400 to fix. That I don't have. Save for that I now get to actually bill an actual client for money. Geezus H. Such a mess. But not having my own computer with all my own programs is driving me nuts. I'm currently using my dead grandma's Sony Vaio which a guy I once dated actually told me was a helluva machine but nothing is installed on it. No word program, no pdf reader, no printers. And it runs like shit because it needs to be updated so I end up just swearing at it a lot.

In sum: It's been a rough few days. That not even all my favorite junk foods has been able to fix. Which, trust me, I've tried. The upside of being an adult: Dr Pepper and ice cream is an acceptable dinner and no one can tell you otherwise. That's one of the few upsides though. 

On top of that, I have to pretend to be pleasant and answer all those annoying, "What are you doing with your life?" questions on Thanksgiving. I was so upset with my family over the weekend I seriously pondered telling my mom screw it, I wouldn't be here. But I decided to forgo such dramatics and will instead do that thing where I just don't talk. It's amazing how not talking will drive people crazy. I really should employ this trick more often. My mom now knows I'm upset about something and not engaging but not sure exactly about what (which is likely willful ignorance) and is being SO nice.

And then LSU plays an 11:30 a.m. (west coast) game the day after Thanksgiving. Against the Razorbacks. Who rose, through a series of other school's losses, to #3 in the rankings. We've played 6 ranked teams so far and still have to do this day game against Arkansas. Highest ranked match up between two opponents in Tiger Stadium in 50 years. No pressure. I hate the day after Thanksgiving game, too. We always seem so hungover from the turkey. Since I can't/don't want to go the bar that day but also don't want to be home, I'm trying to come up with an alternative plan that involves eating pork products. We'll see what I come up with...

Right now, I have to figure out how to be a lawyer. After spending a small fortune on thinking someone ELSE would teach me how to do that. Silly silly Lisa. (There is a silver lining there: my client, who happens to be my dad's best friend, drunkenly told my dad the other day that "She's really smart, huh?", which my dad relayed to me. All my willpower not to tell my dad that if only my smarts applied to choices in guys, which it doesn't, hoping that would get back to best friend and by association best friend's jackass 22 year old brother. Hope he still thinks I'm smart when I don't get a better result in this case...ugggghhhh.)

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