Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Hair, Long Beautiful Hair

First off: sorry for the brief writing hiatus. Especially after I got a few compliments in the interim. Something about not dealing well with success/compliments goes [here].

It's the holidays which is a flurry of emotions (mostly unpleasant ones and me trying to avoid that petulant behavior that reminds me of being a teenager) and activity and nail biting and reevaluating just about everything. So... *exasperated sigh*

A brief update on the goings on: much BNBD (acronym: booze 'n' bad decisions, attributable to the much beloved stepsister, for those of you unfamiliar with it...and I now just explained an acronym, rendering it effectively useless) while watching the Ole Miss game at the LSU bar.

Thanksgiving was actually pretty decent and I executed the entire meal, cooked on my own for 9 people, flawlessly, if I do say so myself.

And everything since then, well, see above: *exasperated sigh*

So that's where we're at.

Anyway. Not what we're here to talk about today.

We are going to talk about something I know I obsessed over in the past but haven't touched on much in recent memory at all: hair. My hair, in particular.

Musical interlude time!

Here's the deal: I have about 16 inches, crown to tip, of brunette hair at this point. It's always been long-ish but after watching Kate Middleton get married with gorgeous, long brunette locks over a year ago I was like, "I'm gonna grow my hair super long and look like Kate Middleton! It'll be goooorgeous!"

And let's give a little credence to the idea that men prefer long, straight locks on girls being another reason for the desire to go long. Or so goes conventional wisdom. Long hair is a man catching web! Quite literally, it can feel, if you've ever had it get tangled up in intimiate situations. There's a reason Dashboard Confessional wrote a whole song about it. (Okay, the song is about cheating but the chorus always makes me think the ex in the song must have had really long hair that gets everywhere, because that's what long hair does.) (And yes, at one point in my misspent youth I listened to Dashboard Confessional. What of it?)

Serious hair envy. And really everything envy. Though I'd rather be married to the ginger.

So since that royal wedding, I've let it grow. And because I'm broke, I've barely trimmed it. And it's long and brunette. But it's not gorgeous, I don't think. It's

You know why it's "just hair"? Because I'm not a goddamn monarch, that's why. No one comes in and gives me blow outs and curls it under just so or styles it for me so that I look fashionable at Ascot/other royal engagements. (BTW: As of today, Kate Middleton added "bangs", which are really more like long layers and not right proper bangs. Regardless, the internet is FREAKING OUT about this. This is how fetishized Kate Middleton's hair is.)

Instead of royalty, I am a lazy, overly casual female. I'm not even a good Marina girl who knows how to use a styling wand or goes to the salon with any regularity or does hot oil treatments or uses leave in conditioner. Wash, condition, air dry. Sometimes I'll use a hair dryer. Though, rarely. Sometimes I'll use a straightening iron. Though, even less rarely. Mostly I throw my hair on top of my head in a pony tail or messy bun and go about my day. If I go to the gym, I practically torture my hair to make sure I'm not eating any strands while trying to engage in exercise because that is THE WORST. This leads to it breaking and not being all perfectly gorgeous silky smooth. (Sorry if you're male and reading this. This can feel tedious. But also!: Insight into that weird little female world, ya know?) (Pro tip: compliment us on our hair. Chances are we took more time than you'd like to know messing with it.)

As it's gotten longer I've taken to loose braids, or those claw like clips to put it half up/half down or in tight buns. I can even twist it in a knot without any sort of pin at this point, that's how long it is.

However, it remains not long and glorious, but heavy and weighted and a pain in the ass and I don't think adding particularly to my "look", if I can even be accused of having such a thing. And I rarely leave these long tresses down because I feel like my hair gets all fuzzy and unkempt, even though I've been assured that's not true. So while I have this girly thing about me, I'm not quite girly enough to actually make it work, knowing what products to use when for optimally gorgeous, left alone, straight, long locks. (Etymological question: now that I've typed it five times, why is a synonym for hair the same word we use for "to fasten securely"? Just curious.)

I'm not doing fun french braids or side braids or fishtails or...any of the things on dedicated braiding websites, as would seem like something one could do with long hair, either. I mean, I can. I definitely french braid it from time to time. Then feel juvenile and undo it. I once copied Kerri Walsh's look of a pony tail holder at the top with a braid, thinking it'd be fun and sporty, like her!, only to find that when I ran jogged on the treadmill at the gym, it acted as a metronome and was super annoying.

Ponytail braid: only good on Olympic athletes, not casual gym goers

Basically: after a year and a half of emulating a princess I discovered my hair is actually a pain in the ass because I am not, in fact, a princess. Or anywhere in the vicinity of one.

So I'm cutting it off. Not all of it. I hope to not look like Miley Cyrus when I'm done. More...shaggy and just at my neck, I hope. But most of it. At least eight inches of it. That being the minimum length to donate.

Yep. Now that I laid out the case for the utter selfishness of my action, I can say that what was truly the impetus for this cut was the realization that I didn't really need all this hair and that while I'm not known for my good deeds, this mane could absolutely be put to better use.

I did some research and discovered that Pantene Beautiful Lengths is, as of now, the way to go and I will be putting my hair in one last ponytail, for the time being, in order for it to be cut off and sent to someone much more deserving of these tresses than I.

My hair appointment is for next Friday, December 7th. I'm kind of excited for this change. Nervous, as we grow attached to our hair, as females, as it's literally (Chris Treager voice) attached to us. But still excited.

Besides, if nothing else, I'll quickly lose a few pounds when the hair is gone, so win win!

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