Frustrated

(A really awful music selection to go with this post. You're welcome!)

It's a lot of whining so I'm just burying it after the jump.


It's just one of those days.

I'm trying to give up carbs as much as possible because no matter how much I work out, nothing changes. This is partly because I do "moderate cardio", which someone said was a way to keep women who watch Lifetime Network fat forever, without really committing to eating better. Or only incrementally eating better, the net effect of which is: nothing changes. It's goddamn frustrating. I want to be a super model! (Not really. I have more realistic, modest ambitions, but throw me a freaking bone here already, metabolism!) So things have to change. Both the intensity of the workouts and my eating habits. Which, because I am the kind of stubborn person that I am, the second I give up something, even voluntarily, I immediately want ALL of it. "What? No fast food? Give me ALL THE FAST FOOD!" I was offered In N Out for lunch today. I declined in the name of being good/going for the longer view goals than immediate satisfaction. And I've been cranky the rest of the day.

On top of that, I went to the gym and it was one of those days where just nothing was working. My legs felt like lead. I couldn't get motivated to be thrilled about being there. Some days at the gym are just like this. I've sort of come to expect them. This one just felt unusually crappy. When I went to go stretch, there were all these thin girls doing the sideways sit ups with legs up while holding ten pound plates. Hate you so hard, teeny tiny well built girls! I left, dejected, and walked home.

Ya know, the day might have just started awfully when I was woken up in the middle of a weirdly specific dream (I threw a glass of water on a cousin I do not like, and have not seen in several years in real life, at a family function) due to the sound of the dogs barking to because of the PG&E workers still tearing up our street.

I'm also having "people are freaking disappointing" issues. I'm trying to take this whole job search thing super seriously finally because I really need a purpose. And, ya know, to make money. I asked an acquaintance for a referral to a position. Not a reference. Just that when I applied I could say, "Hey I heard about this job from X" on a fill out the boxes application. It gives you a little bit of street cred in my opinion. She declined. Which is fine. Her prerogative, whatever. But her reason for not wanting to is that she couldn't speak to my work experience. Uh...no one was asking you to? The distinction between a reference and a referral seems clear to me and there's really no loss in helping people out and isn't this why everyone tells me to network all the time anyway? But. Maybe that's a splitting hairs argument and she can do whatever she wants so...fine. I just think in the grand scheme of things, it wasn't a huge request and I would have happily, breezily complied were the request directed at me. As much as I get tagged a stone cold bitch, I have a soft spot for quietly helping others. It takes very little effort usually. My name on a form? Done. But apparently this girl's set of principles is a lot more black and white so...whatever.

Then one of my best friends is all, "My company's hiring...just sayin'." I said, "Well, what do I need to do?" Send me your resume, she says. She works in an area I have actual experience in. This should be a no brainer. I even start to get excited. "I can do this! This'll be good! I'll be good AT this! The jobs are NOT IN SAN FRANCISCO!" And since this is like, a best friend, this should be easy enough, right? Wrong. She suddenly balks and is giving me the fourth degree about why I would be interested. Bitch, I'm interested for the same reason you were interested when you got hired a mere three months ago: because it's a JOB. And it pays MONEY. Don't act like this was your end all be all life plan all of a sudden. And don't act like I'm entirely apathetic because this wasn't something I had pursued passionately prior to your mentioning. I hadn't considered it as a viable career because I didn't really know it was one. And don't act like you don't know that I'm not courtroom litigation material. But you do know that I would be good at this because I've commented on the situations you find yourself in on your time there! Help or don't help, don't jerk me around about it. Especially when it wasn't even me who asked or suggested this possibility!

Ugh. So frustrating.

And can we all stop pretending for a minute that jobs are anything but that? Having gone through interviews before, I know that the people set out to hire you want you to act like this was your life dream and express the utmost enthusiasm at the opportunity. Now, look, I recognize that I'm lucky to not be scrubbing pots for a living. But very very rarely, unless the job is starting pitcher for the San Francisco Giants, is someone 100% stoked on work all the time. (And even then I am sure there are work complaints.)  I'd have to say it's probably more likely that people hate their jobs than love them. I'd settle for contentment. I envy people who love their jobs passionately and I'd love to be afforded that opportunity. But for right now "work" is on the agenda. Don't expect me to pretend that working whatever job is my life dream and I'm super passionate about it and that assembling widgets or filing insurance claims or whatever it is I end up doing is curing cancer/saving the planet/the most important thing ever.

Except that I totally will pretend because I know that's how the game is played and what people hiring you want to hear. They do not want to hear, "I'm here trying to figure it out and I hope to be really good at this and come to love it but right now I need stability." Hopefully, like an arranged marriage, I'll come to love it. But in the meantime I'll fake enthusiasm at every turn because Money! Purpose! But since this is a place to be real, I'm being real: it's work. It's usually what we do in between the time we get to do the things we love, like eating junk food and watching sports. And my dear friend should recognize this as true when talking to me about the position.

Same friend did put me in contact today with a dude in another area I'm interested in and we had a good chat. I'm just not all that optimistic about him being able to offer solid leads. So back to the salt mines of cover letters for me. Whee!

And not to delve too much into crazy dog person territory but to cap off the evening, the little dog, while I was in another room, starts barking in my room at the dogs next door. This happens pretty regularly, so no big deal. When I return to see what is wrong and tell her to calm down, she has PEED ON MY COMFORTER. This is the second time in a couple months. What the hell, little dog? Like I really wanted to wash my comforter and duvet at 7:30 on a Friday night. (Who am I kidding, it's not like there were any other plans.)

Today just feels all off, for no real reason.

To end this on a slightly up note: the Caps kick off round 2 of the NHL playoffs tomorrow against the New York Rangers so there is at least that to look forward to. I seem to have become a bit of a go to for Southerners on the topic of hockey so that feels nice.

Oh! And, in nerd world, one thing did go right today: I watch Grimm because it is dark and fabulous, and really, what else am I doing with my time? The girl who plays the Hexenbeist is a) on Twitter, b) a Bay Area native, and c) a huge football fan, mostly of the 49ers. She said something on Twitter and I mentioned how I thought she was great and she tweeted me that I was awesome. Not that validation from celebs means a whole lot but in an otherwise crappy day that was kind of fantastic.

May tomorrow be better than today...