Saturday, June 1, 2013

Adventures in Living Alone

Or: I am sometimes often a moron.

In case you were unaware, I moved out of SF. (More on why I'm pretty freaking okay with that another time.)

I am now residing in a Central Valley city that for work reasons I'll remain vague about, but basically: it's opposite SF, personality wise.

Everyone is so fucking nice and chatty and helpful here it's just weird. More than one stranger in my apartment complex has asked me if I'm getting all settled in alright. I met Bob and his wife Mary, when I was moving way too much stuff off a U-Haul, who have lived here for 18 years "Because if we moved we'd have to pay market rent!" This means Bob & Mary's rent is probably like $200 a month. My mom has lived in the same house for the vast majority of my life and I don't know that much about our neighbors there. They're also super conservative and I counted 2 t-shirts that referenced god/faith in my complex when unpacking. So.

I have a great, big apartment that if I told you SF types what I was paying for my almost 1k square feet that I walked in and rented with barely a credit check and not the blood of a vestal virgin, you'd die. But again: not SF. (Oh and a covered parking spot. And a pool.)

I'm getting settled. Kinda. Everything is still a mess and I'm enjoying the "Let's go buy things we need!" portion of moving much more than the "Let's unpack all the shit we already have and should probably just throw away because really you have pictures of people from high school you didn't even like then" portion of moving.

But hey! I'm typing this so I got my WiFi set up! All by myself! (Now to change the generic password and...thingy that shows up when people are searching for it (network name!).) I also set up the electricity in my name and the gas. Though I then didn't have hot water, leading to a minor freak out, that was solved by me having to call someone ON THE PHONE and them coming and restarting the pilot light, with a warning that that may happen often as my water heater is hinky. Fantastic!

The phone guy also came to check my jacks and was like, "Where's your modem?" "Uhh. I haven't gotten it yet." So we went back and forth a bit on that, which was amusing. When phone company sent me the text that my service was now active, I, again, called them, like the adult I pretend to be, and was like, "Well that's all well and good but where's my modem?" She assured me UPS would be delivering it TODAY, even though I was calling her at 4:30. And sure enough, there was a ring at my door about an hour later. And here we are! On the internet! In my own place!

Having my own place is something I have not done since college. And then it was a decidedly college apartment. No dining room table, lots of couches for optimal television watching, hand me downs, and cheap Ikea furniture. Some of that stuff remains. My current set of dishes is mostly the melamine Target purchases from then. But a lot of it is gone and I'm definitely going more grown up this time.

However, since I'm not in college anymore, and so far removed from living alone, I'm having some trouble making my brain adjust to taking care of only myself.

After half ass unpacking yesterday, I went to the store near my apartment, which is a KMart, and bought cleaning supplies. Just basics like dish soap and hand soap and 409 all purpose because all purpose. And a tea kettle because I can't live without tea. And somehow that was all like $65. WTF? There was also a guy in a Bama hat at the KMart which I just can't even deal with. He probably wondered why I was giving him serious side eye, especially since I didn't have any LSU gear on.

Then I went to the grocery store and tried to make my brain work there. I got 4 bottles of wine because they were 10% off when you got four. So hey! Liquor! I later tried to buy bread. Do you know how fucking large a loaf of bread is? I thought some brand was making mini loaves at some point. What is a single person supposed to do with a giant loaf of bread? Who needs that much bread?! I realized much later that I could have frozen it, I guess, and used as needed. I bought English muffins instead.

I managed to stock my fridge with basics like mustard, ketchup, mayo, etc. I wanted to buy spices but I want to get like one of those spice starter kits and not individual spices? Basically what I'm saying, when left to my own devices, I turn into a total moron. Whatever. I have Tony's. WTF else does anyone need? (Though I've yet to unpack and have no idea where the Tony's is. (Never mind. I found it.))

I REALLY turned into a moron when it was time to eat. It's so much easier to plan for others! I got to that point where I'm like, "Shit. I need to eat now or I'm gonna eat my arm off" without realizing it. So I decided to be "healthy" and ate an avocado. I then putzed around some more. I was going to roast a chicken but thought, "I can't wait that long!" I then shoved tortilla chips in my face. Which is what I had eaten earlier in the day. I was then no longer hungry. For a bit. I considered making nachos. I got out a plate to dump chips on. Then realized I didn't have can opener to open the cans of beans I bought earlier. I really wanted them to be, like, heavy/have protein. And I didn't have a microwave to make this efficient. I didn't want to start the oven to make chips and cheese.

About the microwave: my brother asked me about setting up my cable. I informed him I didn't have a TV. "Why didn't you get one?" I told him it wasn't a priority (seriously, THE INTERNET) and he said, "God, you sound like Dad," who also eschews having a TV. He lists more things I should have and lands on microwave. I mention that I don't have one of those either and have no intention of getting one. "You really ARE Dad." I'm okay with this. "How do you heat up pizza?" "In the oven! What kind of neanderthal are you?!" Folks, pizza reheated in the oven is 1000x better than in the microwave. "I don't have that kind of time!" "Dude. It takes ten minutes." "Exactly!" "You can't wait that long? Then eat it cold. Those are your options. Hot or cold." "I do eat it cold! I eat one piece cold while I wait for the rest to heat up in the microwave!" Sigh. Boys. (Also: I am forever fascinated by the dudes and pizza dynamic. It's like serious boy food. Why is that? I don't know girls that obsess over pizza the way guys do. Thoughts?)

So maybe he was slightly right about the microwave. Which I of course immediately began researching on the internet. How come most technology has gotten smaller and cheaper and yet microwaves are surprisingly expensive and for necessity need to be bulky? I'm going to continue to eschew it for now. Until I'm starving again... (I did make nachos in the oven today. Not totally helpless! Or at all healthy. Still didn't have beans. Still don't have a can opener. KMart brands of things are Sandra Lee or Paula Deen and just no.)

I thought about making Kraft mac & cheese. I don't have a pot. Well. I have one huge Le Creuset pot. I pulled out the PastaRoni to make in the microwave. Before again remembering that I don't have one. In my defense, the almost 800 miles I pulled going up and down from the city to the valley this week and moving ALL MY SHIT had finally caught up with me and I was incredibly exhausted. Not that it's much of an excuse for being completely incompetent.

I did buy pots and pans at a Gilt flash sale. 10 pieces of Cuisinart nonstick for $79, plus another 30% off. This seemed like a good deal. Don't tell me it isn't. I then obsessed about a thousand other things I should or shouldn't buy, perusing the internet. The irony being that in the interm, I COULD have roasted that chicken and managed to put together a decent salad. Alas.

Finally, the boy was gonna call me to talk and I STILL hadn't eaten. So after all of that absurdity, I realized I really did need to eat...and went to McDonald's. I am bad at adulthood, you guys.

Not horrible horrible though. I am getting things together today. My books are on the shelf, I am throwing things away (groan, I'll tell you later about that trip down memory lane...). I will go shopping tomorrow and get more things and then I start work on Monday. My first real grown-up adult like legal job. Which is about two years after it should be because, well, I am bad at adulthood.

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