Monday, July 4, 2011

Teen Wolf

I watch a lot of really bad TV. It's sort of my thing. If it's focused at teens and has hot dudes in it, I'm likely to tune in.

This is how I find myself on this Sunday night, after drooling over Alexander Skarsgard in all his Nordic glory (I would do such bad bad wonderful things to him... I do not think this is an uncommon reaction), watching MTV's version of Teen Wolf. It's bad. As bad as you would expect. Actually: worse. Usually I just tweet these things, but this one sort of deserved more than 140 characters at a time that no one is reading.

First of all, it's set in California. That looks like...I dunno, the woods of North Carolina. (Oh! Close! Just looked on IMDb: Georgia.)

They are also all lacrosse players as the sport of choice. Lacrosse, despite me going to uber prep school where we had an awesome lacrosse team, is mostly an east coast sport. And they carry their sticks with them all the time. This is the sort of annoying detail that bothers me. If a guy was a baseball player, he wouldn't be in every scene with a bat. Or football with a helmet. You aren't taking your lacrosse stick to every class. It goes in your locker, you get it for practice after school. Like I said, my school has preppy ass sports. I NEVER saw a lacrosse stick in a classroom. We get it. They play lacrosse. Next? And seriously, lacrosse? Could they have picked a more hated sport? From stereotypes, lacrosse is pretty universally reviled, no? Go with soccer if you want to be edgy. How bout a werewolf water polo player? Tennis? Anything else.

The kid that plays the werewolf is AWFUL. They picked someone that looks vaguely Taylor Lautner-y. Because hey! That sells! But, despite a pretty decent resume, he can't act his way out of a freaking paper bag. His chest is also so smooth it's sort of terrifying. And of course ignores all sound advice offered his way and acts in direct opposition to it. "Hey! Wolf boy! Don't go play lacrosse because you'll put us all in danger!" But what's our wolf boy do? Plays lacrosse! Because he's a lacrosse player! Can't you tell? By the way he is constantly carrying his stick? (Not a euphamism.) And his singular one track focus on getting the girl is...well, probably about accurate for a teenage boy. Or at least that's what movies have taught us (the level of clueless I'm discovering I am w/r/t male female relationships is kind of ridiculous though so what do I know).

Then this fun tidbit: older, more experienced wolf shows up. He looks familiar so I pull up the IMDb on him. Oh, right! One of many people who spent many years not acting in 7th Heaven. (For all my bad TV watching, I was not addicted to this overly preachy bs. That doesn't mean I'm immune to having watched it.) But because he's cute, and I'm a sucker for cute, I click on the more info link and find this:
"Hit into the last out ever at LSU's Alex Box Stadium during the 2008 NCAA Baseball Super-Regional as a member of the UCI Anteaters." Wait, what? The actor dude who is now in this bad TV show hit into the last out at my baseball stadium? I was not expecting to find that information there. LSU won. (I actually don't know this but I'm gonna go with yes... Wait! We would have won because if he got the last out it means they didn't play the bottom of the 9th because the home team was leading and thus a victory for LSU. Deduction! Without just googling it! Yay, brain! (Though if it was in regionals...))

This kid may be the worst werewolf in the history of the world. The new girl he falls for has a dad who HYSTERICALLY enough ends up being a werewolf hunter. And since this moron can't decide to hide his werewolfness, the dad is gonna figure this out in like five seconds. "But I have to play lacrosse! And no one is gonna question my amazing ability!" And he's also made an enemy out of one of his fellow teammate and his machiavellian girlfriend by being better than him at lacrosse. Magically! Unquestionably! I'm all for willing suspension of disbelief but COME ON! This kid just scowls through this whole thing. And he's so epically dumb. They keep acting like it's cool to be dumb on here. "That's the answer....riiiigghht? Oh whatever, who cares anyway? Being smart is stupid!" Ugh. In fairness, it's probably not the A students watching Teen Wolf on MTV so they have to let not smart kids know it's okay to not be smart. America! Where we value your stupidity!

So what is redeeming about this? Sidekick friend is sort of hysterical in twitchy sidekick way. "I don't want to be the Robin!" He also makes an Adderall joke. Because casual perscription drug use is hilarious. (I'm still bitter about not having a hook up for this shit for the bar. Or, ya know, life in general.)

The troubles are sort of adorably teen like, which is a change from the sexed up shenanigans of all my beloved CW Shows. (Oh don't act all shocked, you know I watch much bad TV. I could have cured cancer in the amount of time I spend on this schlock.)

The girl that plays love interest is all cute and doe eyed. The lacrosse coach is appropriately clueless.

But really? Here's what I just IMed a friend: "This kid is so dumb. Worst werewolf ever. I want him to get caught and killed to end this." Much like I wanted Tamzin Merchant to lose her head in The Tudors and end that misery. Oh! Aside!: I recently read that Tamzin was originally cast as Dany in Game of Thrones. Yeah. That would have SUCKED and I would not have watched. Other girl kills it as Dothraki queen.

Continuity issues! He has super powers but climbs a chain link fence? And this whole how he acts as a wolf thing is not at all consistent. You have no control but now you're coherently engaging in a fight with other wolf? And we find out there are types of wolves and he's a beta. So you're not even a badass wolf? You just lost me. There is also something about older wolf's family being dead and his siter was murdered in the first episode and we have no idea who made baby wolf or one cares besides me, huh?

Cute girl just ruined my adorable problems thing! First date, have only had one kiss and she says, "Think about me...naked" to help make him a better bowler. Because we're supposed to imagine that no one ever anywhere can bowl and that he would suck at the rolling of a ball down a lane for a not gutter ball. But a word from her and he's suddenly a 300 bowler. Kid, you have to play DOWN your skill for survival. Have you not watched anything else?

Worst. Indimidation. Scene. Ever. Love interest's dad just intimidated older wolf. Not exactly sure why. Or what purpose it served. They were at a gas station talking about keeping black cars clean so as to see things clearly and he washed the wolf's front window and then wolf taunted back, "But you didn't check the oil" and they smashed his window in. That just gets a straight up WTF. Yes, I am now thinking way too hard about this.

These kids also ALL snuck out of the house with no accountability for defying their parents. KIDS TODAY! This is what is wrong with the youths! Get off my lawn!

Aww man! Another sex joke. This time from the mean girl best friend dating lacrosse captain. "Stop pretending to suck just for his benefit." Solid advice, by the way. Don't play down to a man to protect his ego. But then this: "Believe me, I do plenty of sucking JUST for his benefit." Guh.

Oh great, 80s bad boy lacrosse captain has it all figured out without having anything at all figured out. Which if he wasn't so dumb he could actually figure out. Says, "There's something off about you" while HE'S the one with the spiked up sideways gelled hair. Yeah. Uh huh.

So our older wolf almost gets killed now by love interest's aunt who is also badass werewolf hunter. Young wolf now has to skulk through the episode trying to find the antidote in love interests house which mostly involves him doing his squinted eye thing not being stealth at all as he gets caught making out with girl. Whose mom magically appears out of nowhere? Wha? This episode was stupid. He plays grab ass with love interest while older wolf almost dies and sidekick has to take care of him.

Yes. I did just watch all four available episodes of this OnDemand. So you didn't have to.

And ya know what? I'd still rather do this than sit through the Bachelorette talking about Bentley. Y'all that recap that deserve medals.

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