Saturday, November 20, 2010

Fight On

So. I didn't pass the California Bar Exam. And that sucks. It sucks HARD. It sucks because I now have to re-imagine how the next six months of my life look. It sucks because the thought of sitting through that three day exam, re-learning every area of law that there is, spending 8-10 hours a day slogging through it for the next two months sounds beyond fucking miserable. And I don't know if I will...that's to be contemplated, honestly. Actually, the point of the "fight" in the title is that I will most likely take it again and kick some ass at it. But contemplating that right this second is SO depressing, I can't even tell you.

It sucks because there are some serious assholes I know that passed it. There are some seriously amazing people I know who didn't. (Some I am just guessing about, I won't know for sure until the pass list becomes public on Sunday.) It sucks because you compare yourself to your peer group and think, "I am so less than that person and that person and that person..."

It sucks because I will now be seriously broke and have no idea how I'm going to support the lifestyle to which I have become accustomed. I will have to pay another $700 to take the exam. Fuuuuccckkkk. And I need to find a PC on which to take the stupid thing. The practicalities of it are annoying.

But mostly it sucks because I know I should have done better. Studied harder, practiced more, BEEN better. And I wasn't. And I feel like I've disappointed, let down, all those people who were like, "You're smart, you totally passed." AHHHH! How can YOU have that much faith in me when I clearly don't? I do feel a bit like a failure and a bit like, "No one is evvveerrrr gonna love me!" Which I understand is totally hyperbolic and ridiculous and has to do with non-bar issues, but while logical rational me GETS that, the emotional part of my brain is just gonna linger there for a minute, mkay? And drown it in alcohol and watch football and eat things dipped in ranch.

And I' the fact that I think deep down I didn't really want to pass. That it took until a week ago when I decided on the next phase of my life for me to realize I *did* want to pass and move on to the next phase. Until then I was petrified. And not that I don't think I gave the actual test all that I had, I think I did. But the prep? I needed to do a lot better. And failure lets me defer all decision making for another six months. Note that this is probably all subconscious self sabotage. But I think there's some truth to it, too. So while I was prepping and freaking out about the future, failure meant not dealing with the future and further avoiding it. And now that I have failed, that deferment becomes real when I'm ready for it to not be. I don't want to defer, dammit! I want to start my liffeeee. Make sense?

Let's also be honest that I was a bit flip about the test. "I totes got this" mentality creeped in. Charm and a smile. A witty turn of phrase here and there. I can write an essay, yo. Just apparently not a bar essay, in retrospect. But I thought I was minimally competent for fuck's sake! MINIMALLY competent!

I also think there's truth to the fact that me, and one of the other people I know who failed and who I so so so adore, were conversing the other day and both came to the conclusion that we don't really want to be lawyers. So maybe we didn't want to pass to make that a reality? She was on the floor sobbing and drunk last night and I feel bad for her. I've been zen about it. Probably too much so and at some point I'll drink whiskey and watch Good Will Hunting or A River Runs Through It or some silly ABC Family Christmas movie and end up my own sobbing mess, but for right now I'm just fine...mostly. I woke up earlier than I have in forever after little sleep because this is so in my brain.

The text I sent out said this, "I spent twenty minutes being depressed and then realized the sun will rise tomorrow, LSU will play football, I will eat chicken wings, and be surrounded by friends. So fuck the CA bar. What do they know?" My mother was shocked at how well I took it. What am I gonna do? I can't exactly argue with some amorphous grading body. And the text is true. As Annie sang, the sun'll come out tomorrow... Life goes on. The world keeps spinning.

The only response I got that almost sent me over the edge was from my aunt. I love and adore my aunt. But telling me this will build character made me want to punch a baby. Really? Character? I don't have enough fucking character already?! And then she closed it with, "Call me when you want to talk, or exercise." Whaaaa?! I been working my ASS off, lady! God I love her but seriously, stfu.

And I know, yes, I know this isn't the end of the world. All things considered, it's not even particularly terrible. Just something that happened. I knew that for me failure doesn't drastically change my life. On Wednesday I hop on a plane to Hawaii and the following week I hop on a plane to Florida. There are worse fates.

Still. This sucks pretty hard.

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