Control

I was sort of a train wreck last week (yes, I can hear you all saying "Aren't you ALWAYS?" as I type that. Shut it). But last week it was particularly pronounced. I don't do well with things I can't control. And last week just seemed like everything was beyond me, out of my hands, up to the whims of fate, the universe, and other people. Gah. I then get all crazy trying to control the things that I can. The level of clean of my room. I retreat to the kitchen and bake things. I run a little bit further a little bit faster.

I also controlled how bar results were going to be disseminated to me. Results are published to people who took the bar via our personal special codes at 6 p.m. on Friday May 13th. Since I know that the computer check system is evil, I wanted no part of it. I wasn't going to be sitting at home staring at a computer screen to find out, maniacally punching in the codes over and over again if unsuccessful. Since I also know I have almost no will power, I didn't want to be near a computer/my house at that time. So I made arrangements to go see Bridesmaids. Cheryl and Alexis and I were going to meet at the Kabuki for the 5 p.m. showing. We would be in our seats, cell phones on silent, laughing when results came out, ignoring texts from everyone else. Prior to that, I took my ball of nerves self and went and got a mani/pedi. Can't afford it, didn't care. Was necessary.

Except even this movie going turned into a bit of an event and I started to panic a bit, control freak that I am. I don't know if I got it wrong or the time changed but I'm at the Kabuki at 4:15 and discover that the showing is at 4:35. Lex is on her way on public transport and Cheryl is still at her Marina house. AHHH! I just want to see a movie! I'm taking deep breaths, at the end of my rope. Cheryl and I talk, the movie starts at 5:00 at a different movie theater not far from where we are. Lex shows up, I grab her, we hightail it to other theater, we wait for Cheryl, we have a drink, we walk into the movie missing just the first 5 minutes or so which I don't think were pertinent to plot. (I am also a professional opener of wine bottles in movie theaters. Will be adding to resume.)

And OMG you guys, Bridesmaids is AWESOME. It's cute and sweet and super funny and was the first movie I think I've seen in forever where I was all, "Aww! This is stuff that could actually happen, how me and my friends actually talk and I am SO the Kristen Wiig character it's kinda freaking me out a bit."

After the movie, Cheryl and I head to her hood, grab a bite to eat. I'm anxious but I have a plan: I'm drinking 'til I don't care anymore. I see my brother across the street as we're walking into the restaurant and waive, he's working. He then calls me and I'm all, "What?" He says, "Never mind, I figured it out." I guess that I wasn't checking results. Cheryl and I head to fratty Marina bars after dinner and are just chatting and having fun. It's gonna be a long night. We pull up at our favorite stools at Bar None and that's the night. I get home late and am at that point too exhausted to check and just go to bed. I have successfully not been manipulated by a computer system.

I woke up on Saturday morning, half hungover and probably a little drunk still. I'm sitting in the kitchen getting increasingly anxious. I know about what time our mail comes every day. I can hear trucks rattling down the street. I'm doing my best not to see if it is the mail truck. I'm trying not to think too much about it. A lot of Thursday and Friday was coming to terms with what it means, pass or fail. Advice that I had given was given back to me. It won't define me as a person. It doesn't say anything about who I am. Regardless of results, it's time to start DOING something.

I'm chatting online with Andy and Linds. Lindsey and I are having an awesome conversation about how we bluff confidence/are complete procrastinators. An epic line told to me recently was, "You're the most confident insecure person I've ever met." Yep, that's about the sum of it.

I go look and see the mail truck in front of my house. I sit back down and tell them. I hear the mail go in the box downstairs. The dog goes nuts. Lindsey says, "OMG. What are we gonna do?" I heart that it was both of us. Andy says, "I'll love you as much if you have an Esq. behind your name as not. The people who matter will, too." Awwww. I tell Linds we're gonna face it, like the grown ups we pretend to be.

I go downstairs and grab the mail, come back upstairs, find the envelope I know will be there. It is the same thickness and shape as the fail letter. The CA Bar Examiners suck hard core. I open it. I see "Congratulations". That's about as far as I got. Congratulations. Fuck and yeah.

I think I was the perfect amount of half drunk/hungover to not be afraid of it. Just tore it open and what will be will be. After that it was pure adrenaline. I was shaking. For like the rest of the day. It occurred to me about an hour later that this means I never ever ever have to take this test again. That I won. I felt pretty invincible, even for being hungover, for the rest of the day. I can do ANYTHING, yo. (I still feel a little like that today. What's next!? Let's go climb a mountain!)

All the congratulations and well wishes were amazing. It feels like an actual accomplishment. A line in the sand, a demarcation point of being or not being something. And I am now that thing. I beat it. I won. It freaks me out a little to say it still. "I'm a lawyyyyaaa."

This is also the part where I thank everyone. Because but for all the support and friends and amazing people out there, this would mean nothing and wouldn't feel like such a huge accomplishment. So thanks, y'all!

I went to amazing dinner at the Bella Vista with my mom and Larry to celebrate and then drinks with the friends afterwards. One of the funniest moments for me was when Chuck said, "Just think, you could have been out celebratory drinking on Friday instead of nervous drinking!" Oh sweetie, you underestimate the level of my jinxy superstitiousness. How/when/where I check would change the outcome. Obviously.

So. Yeah. That. Next?