Saturday, May 21, 2011


Eh, just burying it all after the jump. Will not talk about it after this.

So. It ended. Just flipping ended. And for the first time since I can remember I'm not okay with this. Not at allllll okay with it. In fact, sorta hate all men right now.

I know that logically he wasn't right blah blah blah life lessons blah character building blah. That when a guy tells you he's a jackass you should probably take his word for it and move the hell on. But I am nothing if not stubborn and wanted the opportunity to figure that out for myself. Don't tell me what I want, jackass! In fact, knew it. Sort of thought it was awesome. Never said he was perfect, just said he was perfect for me.

The rational part of my brain knows that this was three weeks and I'll be fine and better for it and all that crap. I sort of hate that part of my brain right now. I'm gonna wallow here with a pint of ice cream for a hot minute. I LIKED someone. A lot. And for reasons I don't  even fully understand, it made sense to me. Logical, actual sense, almost immediately. This is not how I normally operate. I was way out of my depth. But I was alone in this. Actually, I don't think I was alone. I think the other party is a bigger coward when it comes to feeling things than I am. Which is hysterical. In the way that it's not at all. And despite my greatest wish to, I can't force someone to realize the things that I realize. "No, trust me, this will be perfect, but flawed, and awesome and just...guh! Go with it!"

I did not walk into a random bar on a random night expecting any of this. I didn't expect to get my ass handed to me by the winds of fate. I had JUST come to the conclusion that I would have amazing and reliable guy friends and then guys I hooked up with. I was cool with this. [Insert pithy quote about life and other plans here.] And now that it's all fizzled? Fucking fuck. I'd like to let you know that I laid it out there before it did. I sent some super intense "Here's the deal" text messages. I had to know, for once, and in this particular instance, I said what I needed to say and didn't just walk away, my usual uncaring self. But that didn't work. And I surprisingly don't feel at all good about knowing that I tried my best and it didn't work anyway. I wanted it to work.

So now I feel a little broken. I don't know if guys feel this way when things end (quick conversations with a couple of my lady friends sort of has me leaning towards no), but us girls do. It's hard enough to be a confident (or at least bluffing it. Recognize that it's mostly bluffing) female. When we lay it out there and you respond like world class idiots, we're left questioning, "Wait, why don't you want me? What's wrong with me? I'm usually awesome but now I'm not awesome? Should I be doing something differently? Why don't you see how much sense this makes? Why are you being scared? I promise I won't bite. Mostly. See what I see! I must be horrible then."

I'm glad Linds is currently in town because we were driving to see Bridesmaids (me seeing it again) and while we're having the guys suck conversation she says, "I just feel...broken." I was happy to know I wasn't alone.

It was so much easier when I just didn't give a shit. I'm going back to doing that for awhile. Like the honey badger.

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