Honestly? Care not a lick about any of it. I'm trying. "Yay! Attention!" But really I feel like Goldilocks. "Too..." Well, the "too" is nothing I should really divulge as they will make me look shallow and horrible. Which I am, a little bit. I'll own that much. And if you know me, you know that and love me regardless. Just...none of it is quite right, ya know? And I'm not in the mood to fake it right now. Head tilt, laugh, witty comment, sip drink. Lather, rinse, repeat.
And there are lingering "But there's someone jussstt right..." I know the potential now exists for a 6'+ guy who is into sports and is actually smartassy and sarcastic and doesn't just THINK he's those things without actually being them, and tolerates it in me, without just thinking he's tolerating it. (Seriously, the number of guys who want honesty, get it thrown at them, and then balk is phenomenal. And banter. They all need to look up the definition. Telling me "You're so funny", while flattering, is not actually banter. Really? That's all you got? I need a challenge. I need someone who gives as good as they get. Rolling over and wanting your belly rubbed is for my dogs, not a guy, and does exactly nothing for me. There's no excitement there.)
I know I sound horrible for bitching about this and plenty of girls would love to just be fawned over and told they are great, but...I'm not one of them. I have flaws. Obvious ones. And I can be hard on myself. I'm just another girl in a sea of girls. Straight flattery makes me uncomfortable. Example: I got a compliment from someone whose opinion actually matters the other night and it just made me squirm. Which I told him. Which he knew. Yes, these are my own insecurity issues and I need to get over them. Just, in dating I need an entirely different approach than what I think the universe has conditioned us in the norm through movies and Cosmo.
So why am I even IN this position? I dunno. I figured I had to get back out there and couldn't just mope forever. There's not really anything else going on? Why not? Those are really awful reasons, I realize. And after reading this handy little guide to dating, I'm realizing it's not really fair for me to half ass it. I think I'll nip it all in the bud and do some of that self reflection bullshit. (I'm just oozing positivity today, aren't I?)
It's baseball season which means going to games with my dad (excited for mid-week day game baseball tomorrow). And playing with my dogs is more enjoyable than most of these other interactions. I want to kick it with my friends and talk about hockey and drink good whiskey. That's how I like to spend my time. THIS is why I'll be single forever. I'm okay with that as a fact. Embrace it, actually.
I think until I can invest some energy and interest in actually meeting people, I should probably quit with this trying to date nonsense.
In other news: It's festival season here in the 'Sco. I'm actually stoked for North Beach festival. (Yes, I called it the 'Sco and said stoked. Bite me.) I have avoided this the past couple years, what with bar study and general feelings of...ya know, reference above insecurities.
But suddenly, and not accidentally, I'm feeling a little bit more confident. I know, the most confident insecure girl ever. I can run, y'all. Like for real. It's still more jogging at 5.5 mph. (I figure at 10 min mile makes it running and not jogging.) I can do three miles. Not quite 3 straight, but working up to that. Maybe tonight, as I got new running shoes. Which I am way more excited about than is probably necessary.
I won't admit to losing any weight, I haven't been on a scale in forever, but I know that my clothes are fitting differently. The suit I wore to my swearing in ceremony I was swimming in. I looked at some pictures from summer '08, deciding if I should go back to that hair color or not, and I was thought, "Wow, I gotta be way slimmer than that!" That's kind of...exciting. There is still a ton of work to be done, which can be daunting, and I still have to watch what I eat and all that fun stuff, but it feels good to know I can begin to kick ass and take names. Now to look like 19 year old me... (Buahahahah!)