Friday, June 17, 2011

I wanna be popuuuular

I'm sitting at home, fairly bored on a Friday night. I ate an entire burrito (that was unnecessary. Delicious but unnecesseary), am watching DVDs of 90s TV shows, feeling slightly lonesome. Plus I have new salon hair that is not going out anywhere. If you are not female you have no idea but: you get this perfect amazing hair for about 48 hours max that you can not, no matter how hard you try, replicate at home. It not going someplace fancy is kind of a bummer. Despite the unconditional love from my puppies, allow me a little self indulgence, mkay?

I have issues with the movie Ferris Beuller because, while funny and iconic, it also hits WAY too close to home, as I have an uber popular, well liked brother, while everyone else sees me as the bitter, angry older sister. I'm not sure that's entirely accurate because even at the end of Ferris, Jeanie helps him when she could get him busted. Which, trust me, is what I've done for him. One of the things that makes me bristle so much about living in SF is that I get "Oh! You're (brother's name)'s sister!" Yeah. That's a super fun identifier! Especially when the two of you are oil and water. (Yes, we know it occasionally has it's advantages and isn't all bad, but mostly? Not a barrel full of monkeys.)

Despite that, I finally realized not so long ago that I was MUCH better suited to the #2 role. The asskicker, the name taker, the get shit done type, with a close knit circle of trusted confidants rather than the wide circle of acquaintances. I have more than once said that I have a group whose back I would have in a knife fight (it's the Sharks and the Jets in my world). Everyone else? I don't much care about. I am back room deals type, not a shake hands and kiss babies type. One of my brother's best friends actually described me as "He loves everyone and puts on a good front. You? You keep it REAL!" This, I believe, was meant as a compliment. And yeah. I do. Which costs me sometimes...

But this number 2 role? I'm cool with it.

Except on the rare occasions I'm not. This would be one of them.

I want to have a constant whirling circle of Friday night plans. I want constant text messaging from constant people who think *I* am amazeballs and want nothing more than some of my time. I want, well, to be like the song above says: Popular.

I realize my self worth isn't indicated by number of facebook friends or twitter followers or blog readers. Or even Friday night plans and text messages, as I'm perfectly happy to hang out at home (usually). I GET that. I am quirky, often called "bitchy", don't do well with compliments. But...well...since I am a complicated person, sometimes I want more facebook friends, twitter followers, blog readers and compliments. Which is all a really long way of saying, "Like me! Let your friends know you like me! Read more! Tell people to read me more! Aren't I witty? Aren't I?! Tell me I am!" *does a little soft shoe* *realizes she is being completely ridiculous, debates deleting post, owns her insanity anyway*

So yeah. There's my hopefully not too desperate plea for some attention. Forgive me for the pandering. I promise to go back to all snark and ridiculousness tomorrow.

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