I've got to be adopted part 423

Dinner conversation tonight was epic. I can't wait to move far far away.

Mom recounted the entire episode of the new Debbie Mazar cooking show at which point we all tuned out.



Then referring to the neighbor lawyer:
Mom: Think his student loans are paid off already?
Me: Um. Yeah. (Guy has been a practicing lawyer at fancy firm for 20 years. Sure he's good.)
Mom: Stanford cheaper back then?
Me: They were ALL cheaper back then. (pause) You know all the law schools in the Bay Area cost the same, right?
Mom: NO. We don't discuss these things.
Me: Well they do.
Mom: That's stupid. So your school costs the same as Stanford?
Me: Yes.
Mom: Well then why didn't you GO to Stanford?
Me: *headsplode* Because I couldn't get IN to Stanford. (pause) Yeah. This is why we don't discuss these things.

Later, discussing a coworker
Mom: What's he in trouble for?
Stepdad: He fixed a ticket. But they're going after him for calling in half a shift sick and then going to a bar.
Mom: They can't do that. The (work rules) say that if you aren't mentally fit for duty that you shouldn't be there.
Me: *stifles laughter*
Mom: What?
Me: HOW DO YOU EVER GO TO WORK THEN?!? buahahahaha
Mom: Yeah. We can go back to not discussing things.
Me: Come on, that was too easy.
Mom: If they DO make you go to work, get in your car and immediately crash it and blame it on the (boss) because I told him I wasn't mentally fit to be there!
(I don't even ask. I don't want to know. If I had to guess, I imagine this is somehow my father's fault. I don't care.)

Mom then recounts everything about the OMG Oprah has a half sister episode! which the rest of us saw/read about two days ago. The woman did not inherit the storytelling gene from my grandfather. I did. Thus I can subject all of you to it. Yeah!

ANNNND scene.