Friday, January 28, 2011

Things I Think While Studying: Vampire Edition

This is SO completely stupid but, well, this is where my brain went why I was trying to care about crim pro today. Enjoy the complete inanity. Hey, it can't be all high minded all the time!

I love all the cheesy vampire stuff. True Blood, The Vampire Diaries. I won't do Twilight but that more has to do with me disliking mormons (and Kristen Stewart) than anything. But I know the general outline of the story of all that Twilight crap. (How can you not?) It actually all goes back to Ann Rice and reading Interview with a Vampire in high school. And her vampires were legit. These other ones? As much as I like them and they're hot and all, I kinda call bullshit.

Remember when you were in high school and some girl brought a guy in college to prom and you thought that was way cool that she had an OLDER boyfriend. But then you get to college and realize that any guy going back to high school prom after the veritable Mount Olympus that is college is either socially awkward or kind of creepy? Yeah, so, why the fuck is some 100+ year old creature going back to get it on with a high school chick? The difference in life experiences is just way too much to handle. It's ripe for that classic joke: "Yeah, I was THERE when Kennedy died." "You were in the hospital when Ted Kennedy died?! Wasn't it sad?" Guuuh.

Also, all these vampires WILLINGLY go back to high school. Like sit through class and stuff. Um, why? High school sucked. Even if you LIKED high school, it sucked. Because everything after it was about a million times better. You got more sex and more drugs and more alcohol the second that bitch was over. Why WHY as an ancient creature are you going back there? (Except, obviously, to pick up high school chicks because you're still amazingly good looking because you're immortal and don't age but that's still fucking creepy.) Not only that the teacher is all, "And then this happened..." And you think, "Not exactly. BECAUSE I WAS THERE! Stupid mortals."

Additionally, and granted I am probably overly logical and cynical for my age, but I'm mostly annoyed by about, I dunno, 70% of what happens on a daily basis. So can't you imagine that by 175 only about 2% of anything would thrill you and give you wonder and not just annoy you? And that would least of all be all these stupid humans you deal with on a daily basis? I mean, you've SEEN shit if you're a vampire of any age. Again: How are they dealing with high schoolers? Could there BE a worse segment of the population? The answer to that is no. There is no one more annoying than high schoolers. Even for a grown ass normal human. You get on Muni with a group of them and immediately want to kill them all. There is no way by vampire old with super natural powers you don't just ACTUALLY kill them all.

Why do these twee little high schoolish (I realize Sookeh is not actually in high school but close enough) girls have such magical pull over some ancient creature? Elena on The Vampire Diaries just wanders around frowning and emoting all the time. Sookeh Stackhouse isn't educated, all that hot, or particularly interesting. And she makes like THE worst decisions ever. EVER. Is there a character in modern TV that makes worse decisions than Sookeh? Nope. So both the female protagonists are super annoying. Why Eric, Stefan, Damon, and Beel all think they are zomg the greatest is ridiculous. I mean, you're a vampire! You have super magical powers! Go get Giselle from Tom Brady or something for fuck's sake. (This is also how we know vampires, as envisioned by these writers, are not real. If they were, they'd be in CHARGE, yo. Yeah, I just brought fantasy to reality. I need a life. We know this.)

Also: All these new vampires blood has magical healing powers. "Ohh, she gonna die!" and then she drinks vamp blood and is totally fine. So then why isn't hospital protocol "Give Vamp blood, wait 24 hours"? Aren't they kinda assholes for keeping their blood to themselves, especially when they NEED other blood to survive? Would the circle of life cease? Every time you got sick and then got better with vamp blood, healing yourself, wouldn't you then also not die even though not a vamp? Unless someone killed you DEAD dead? Which a vampire could do and thus them killing humans wouldn't be bad but just culling the herd?

So yeah. These are the totally inane things I think when my mind wanders when I study. Cue the "More you know..." music.

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