One of THOSE posts

This isn't particularly interesting for anyone but me. (That is what an English professor would call a BAD hook. "No, really, this'll be awful, don't you want to read it now?" Geezus. Way to get inside my reader's head.) Let's try that again, shall we? 

This will be one of those posts where I talk about all the hot unattainable guys I see on TV and in movies. My take on it should be the regular amusing fare but it won't be particularly deep or anything. Hey, I can't bare my soul ON THE INTERNET every day. (I always capitalize that because even I am a little shocked sometimes I do bare my life on here. It's weird and sort of self involved, right? And someday may have real world repercussions. Meet the love of my life and he reads about that time at the bar I did that thing. That'll go over well. [Answer: shouldn't matter because he loves me for me and my awesomeness will prevail. [This is all super hypothetical, I'll stop thinking about it now]])

Since I've been relegated to the house and have done nothing even remotely interesting since...I went out to watch the LSU game (2 long weeks ago), I find my escape in the teevee. And I've noticed when I am denied cursory access to the opposite sex in some form, I start fixating on the pretty that Hollywood puts forth. So: this is a BOYZ post. With some critical TV and movie analysis thrown in, because I can't help it. I used to do these posts every so often on the old blog but I haven't done one here. I guess because I was off having a life. But since that ain't happening (and neither is studying apparently. Which leads to bar nightmares. Which are AWESOME, by the way), I bestow on your my current crush objects.




Someone asked me the other day if I would be watching new American Idol. To which I thought, LOLZ hell no. I watch TV like a 15 year old girl. If it's on the CW or involves vampires, I'm probably interested. Reality TV? Not at all my thing. I don't begrudge those of you that like it, but I prefer to fry my brain cells on bad scripted fair. I watch five minutes of reality anything and my brain starts to explode. Are there really THAT many vapid, shallow, narcissistic people out there that they can constantly cast these things? (That's a rhetorical question, y'all.)

1. Starting with last night: I watched a movie called The Loss of a Teardrop Earring. It's based on some long lost, unproduced, Tennessee Williams screenplay. THERE WAS A REASON IT WAS UNPRODUCED! As Andy said, "That is an AWFUL title." Bryce Dallas Howard played the lead. She does not have the acting chops to carry anything written by Williams ever. And even Mamie Gummer, who is usually at the very least interesting, sucked. And they all need dialect coaches to pull off a Memphis accent. They made it sound New Orleans. Which it doesn't. (Yeah, I get to dissect Southern dialects. I lived there for six years, leavemealone.) Anyway, as with anything by Tennessee Williams I should have expected a totally sad ending. But I was still like, "Guuuuuh, that was a gut punch."

The movie wasn't bad, per se, it just, well, it should have been a play and I don't think that any of the actors had the ability to carry off the sort of subtlety that was needed. And BDH, who I think looked like a carbon copy of Katherine McPhee with the brunette hair, was seriously miscast. I don't care who your daddy is, that was not your role.

But the movie had a bright spot: Chris Evans. My weakness for the All-American type is pretty well established. He fits the bill. I mean, he's playing Captain America next, so, obvs some Hollywood casting director agrees with me. Now: Gratuitous shirtless photo:

Why yes, I WOULD like to do very bad things to you. Why do you ask?

I should also mention that Chris Evans is different than Chris Pine, but only by degrees as I get them confused, in name, all the time. 

2. Once upon a time we played a fair amount of pub trivia. And through a series of events, mostly with me arguing hotness and Erin disagreeing before agreeing, our team name became SSM. That was short for Sweden's Sexiest Man. And it referred to one Alexander Skarsgard. Now, more digression: I have a tumblr. I apparently only use it to become the sort of ridiculous fangirl that I never was when I was an actual teenager (for reference: my crush object at 15 was Kelly Slater. I grew up across the street from Ocean Beach, this is my only defense. Mostly I didn't do Hollywood crushes back then. At least not with the fervency that I do now.) So while this is actually a break from something immediately TV/movie related, as True Blood is not currently airing, I stare at far more pictures in a day of SSM via tumblr than I should. In last season of True Blood he spent a lot of time in an ice blue sweater. A sweater that with his ice blue eyes and blonde, pale Swedishness was super swoon worthy. I give to you, ASkars. 

He's also 6'4", which in Hollywood is gigantic. And attractive.

If ridiculous southern vampires with all their hot vampy sexy sex isn't your thing, catch him in Generation Kill, which is really good.  

3. I'm watching The Tudors season 4, via Netflix DVDs. I really liked season 1. But once they killed off Ann Boleyn it's sort of been downhill. I keep watching, because I feel compelled to see this through, but frankly I'm like, "Can we just get skip ahead to the part where Elizabeth is in charge? Henry being old and Jonathan Rhys Meyers making psycho eyes is getting old." 

Digression alert!: I love the irony of Henry's obsession with a male heir when his daughter would end up being one of the greatest rulers of England. Further irony: 3 of the greatest, or at the very least longest tenured leaders, of England are women, if you add in Victoria and Elizabeth II. When Kate and Wills have a baby, if it happens to be a girl, it should mandatorily be named either Victoria or Elizabeth. Or Victoria Elizabeth. Maybe through in Virginia for good measure too. (Wow. Do I need something to do with my time or what?)

Anyway, season 4 could be subtitled "The season Tamzin Merchant runs around naked most of the time." They've killed off James Frain and Jeremy Northam (Cromwell and Moore, respectively). And then they made my favorite, Henry Cavill, freaking boring. He used to be all dashing handsomeness and now he just walks around all mopey because his wife doesn't love him anymore BECAUSE HE SLAUGHTERED A BUNCH OF INNOCENT PEOPLE! Because he's weak willed and wouldn't stand up to the king. You can hardly blame her. Anyway, I just wanna get through s4 to see the British empire blow apart, Henry die, and Elizabeth take over. In the meantime, I'll pretend he's all dashing handsomeness still:

Phallic sword placement much?

He'll be playing Theseus in some movie soon. My nerdy love of Greek mythology and adoration of hot guys is thrilled by this. 

4. USA does the quirky drama/comedy/caper show pretty well. This includes White Collar. Now, they've sort of lost me on the mythology of the whole what Neal is searching for thing, but, um, have you seen Matt Bomer? He could read the phone book, I'd be down. He's allegedly gay in the real life. But none of this exists in the real life so I really could care less. More power to him. So, thanks, USA, for putting this back on while I "study".

He's almost too pretty. Like if you look too long, you'll go blind.

5. Remember that watching TV like a 15 year old thing? The vampire thing? Yeah. That leads us to The Vampire Diaries. And the realization that maybe I have a thing for dark haired, light eyed guys, the exception being ASkars (that's because more gingers aren't famous!). Anyway, TVD is really bad. The girl that plays Elena annoys the piss out of me as she walks around sulking all the time. A French friend of mine, who watches TV like I do, called Elena's boyfriend on the show, Stefan, a houseplant, as he's just THERE. (Except she called him it in French which makes it infinitely more funny and sexy at the same time.) Except I keep watching it anyway. Because it gives us the Damon story line. He's sort of the sinister misunderstood bad boy. And he's played by Ian Somerhalder who gets bonus points for being from just outside of New Orleans. 

Figured I'd go full ridiculous with this one

6. Finally, I'm leaving with someone I've become obsessed with, and already posted about on this here blog. No, seriously, we're hitting unhealthy levels of fandom. Ya know when you make up the way a conversation is gonna go in your head but then it never goes that way? Yeah. I keep doing that. With this person I'm never gonna meet CUZ HE'S FAMOUS. Related: I need to get out of the house. I blame Chuck, entirely, for this one. See, Chuck is a huge hockey fan. His favorite team is the Caps. So when I saw that HBO was gonna air a documentary following the Caps, I thought I'd watch too. Out of Chuck solidarity. I didn't know I would discover Brooks Laich and become all super fan. I, and I've mentioned this before too, always had a sneaking suspicion that hockey would be my sport. I like hard hits. I like violence. I just never really had exposure to hockey. A bunch of guys in my early 20s promised to take me but never followed through and so all my attention went to college football. But guess what? CFB is over and I need something to fill my time. Hockey might be it. Other than watching during last years Olympics, I've never had much reason to follow along. Until now. I watched the doc and now I'm kind of hooked. If all hockey was shot and scored like the HBO 24/7, I'd watch it all the time. And Canadian accents are super swoon worthy. I can't really explain why he, of all people, has become my unattainable crush object. He's sorta got reddish brown hair and I do love the red heads. Strong jaw. Athletic. But yeah, I have no idea why THIS guy has become crush-worthy. It defies logic. *shrug* A deep seeded desire by me to be Canadian? I dunno. I got nothing. But I'm not gonna think too hard about it and instead just admire it.

"I'm gonna beat up someone for you, okay?"

Brooks and his team will be playing the Sharks on Feb 19th in San Jose. If you hear of someone getting arrested for stalking him, it's probably me.

And now back to your regularly scheduled snarktastic programming.