Thursday, April 14, 2011


With the current Kobe Bryant kerfuffle over him calling a ref a "Fu*king Fa**ot" and of Landon Donovan referring to Kings fans at the Queens, I thought I would revisit the issue of insults. This isn't going to be the heavy society implications post. Andy did that already over hur.

But, as an aside: I actually called my dad to the mat the other day when he referred to my bother in his bitchy state as "needing a tampon". My dad is usually very aware but I was like, "Nuh uh. Don't equate his whiny tendencies with being a woman because trust me, we're tougher than he will ever be." My dad demurred. I admitted I understood the sentiment but didn't like the execution.

And hey, I'm not perfect, I referred to men the other day on this here blog as pussies. And I didn't mean furry kittens. I meant it in a pejorative way, questioning manhood. But, I have to say by virtue of growing up in generally touchy feely San Francisco, I run a high sensitivity to these kinds of things. Gay hasn't been an insult in my world for a very very long time and I definitely bristle when I hear that or the one Kobe used. Mostly the gays are awesome. How could that be insulting? You're telling him he has excellent taste in interior decorating and an impeccable sartorial sense? (Fun with stereotypes!) That's not an insult! My also from California college roommate and I had an impact on the use of the N word as an insult amongst our group of friends. I'd never heard it out loud with hatred in my entire life 'til I moved to Louisiana. It's verboten here. (Don't get me wrong, you've ever heard someone drive in California, we have plenty of our own ethnic insults, just never ever that.) It was well know that that word was unacceptable if we were around. I hope they stopped using it when we also weren't around but who knows...

I think the work around is that we need to come up with some better insults. There's gotta be something better than questioning a man's manhood by referring to him as a woman. Because really? Women are AWESOME. He'd be LUCKY to be a woman. There should be creative, cutting, biting insults. I want to hear all your best recommendations. A couple of mine:

Instead of telling a guy he's a whiny bitch or needs a tampon I prefer: did you get a teeny tiny cut on your foreskin? Aww, is it all sensitive and impairing your ability to (insert activity here)?

Instead of making jokes about a man's femininity or sexuality the insult is: "Look, you closed off, emotionally crippled, unable to commit man boy with lingering attachment disorder because of an unloving and critical mother, knock it off!" It's long but I think it covers a lot. And applies to about 75% of men. (Um, I realize this insult probably works on women too, if you changed the gender, like, ya know, maybe me? Way to project, Lisa. Though I don't find that insulting, just truthy.)

Douchebag gets used a lot. I prefer douchenozzle. First of all, no one modernly that I know actually douches. This is some antiquated thing of the past. Therefore a douchenozzle is a complete useless, lifeless plastic thing that gets inserted into a vagina with no effect. The bag? Meh, doesn't really factor in. So doucheNOZZLE.

I think penis size should be fair game, used more often. Is there a code that guys don't make fun of this to one another? Entirely unmined field. One of the best insults is in Good Will Hunting when Kathleen tells Chucky that she's not opening her legs for that Irish curse, does the waive her pinky in the air thing, and Cam then drunkenly yells "Tootsie roll! Toot tootsie roll!" So yeah. More insults here.

And insults don't even have to be vulgar. How fantastic is To The Pain? "You warthog faced buffoon." I think it's in the delivery.

So I advocate for more creativity in modern insults. Let's elevate this to art form.

No comments:

Post a Comment