Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Whipped Cream (It's been bad)

Horrible pun. Don't care.

Everyone needs to know how to cook. I'm making this mandatory. You need to be able to FEED YOURSELF. In case the apocalypse arrives and McDonald's is closed. And it's healthier. And it's impressive to the opposite sex, or same sex, whatever your bag is. So Imma start offering tips because I'm just appalled that people can't even do the simple things. This will be really simple basic stuff. Nothing fancy. At least not yet. Not only that: once you master these things, people will think you're super special. Because they don't know how to do them either. The way you can elevate even the simplest meal with a little elbow grease is amazing.

So: Today: Whipped cream. Surprisingly enough: IT DOES NOT COME IN AN AEROSOL CAN! I know, right? Even worse: doesn't come in a tub with "Cool" on top. You like ice cream sundaes, yes? You want to make them better? Whip the damned cream yourself.

This is how you do it: you go to the grocery store and somewhere right near the milk pick up a half pint** of the stuff that says "Heavy Whipping Cream" on the front. Pour said half pint in a bowl, take out your beaters/use your stand mixer and whip on medium high, making sure to move the beaters/spin the bowl a lot. You want to incorporate air, that's what makes it fluffy. When it just begins to come together (which you'll know because the volume about doubles and it becomes thick and dense) throw in a couple tablespoons or so of powdered sugar. Or regular sugar. Just: sugar. Want to be extra fancy? A little vanilla. Extra extra fancy? A little cinnamon. Throw on top of everything. Berries and angel food cake, ice cream, pancakes, float some on the top of your coffee (very Viennese). Dip things in it. Have crazy sex*. Whatevs.

To know your done: You should pull the beater out (I feel like I shouldn't have to say turn it off first, but I have a feeling I should) and have little whipped cream peaks remaining where you lifted it out. Just be careful! Going from whipped cream to churned butter takes about five seconds. It's a fine line. You're better under beating than over beating.

I know some of you are all, "Yeah right, like I have beaters/kitchenaid stand mixer." Oh, there's a work around. Got a metal bowl? Freeze it for as long as you can. Got a whisk? You better. Take out frozen bowl, pour in cream, and use your muscles to whisk it as violently as possible. Bonus: arm work out! Add sugar same as above. Don't have a metal bowl? You can still beat your own cream, it's just gonna take a little longer, more biceps. And really? Even then this whole process doesn't take more than mmm seven minutes.

Ta-da! Whipped cream! Impress your friends. Wow your dates. Be a hero to all (not really, but it's a good starting place).

*PSA: Cream is a dairy, thus contains fats. Which are all well and good to consume but when involved in foreplay can turn very sour very quickly. And bad fats get into places you don't really want them and cause problems you don't want that will hinder future sexy fun times. It is, in this instance, much better to use the stuff that is "Cool" and comes in a tub because that isn't dairy and therefore contains no dairy fats. It won't go bad. This is information that was passed on to me by someone else and I have never, unfortunately, actually used. No, really, I swear. But I figure it would be good for you all to know, so here it is. 

**A half pint will actually make a TON of whipped cream. Addition of air puffs it up a lot. Since this stuff is fresh, it doesn't really keep all that well either. Maybe a couple days in the fridge once made and that's it. So you can easily use half of the half pint if it's just two of you. Or just you. I'm not judging. Additionally, if you are feeding a whole group of people, you can get the pint and easily make way more of this. Basically: Cream in any quantity + beating it to add air + sugar = whipped cream. 

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