Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Like a duck

all calm up top and underneath churning like crazy.

Though: I don't think I've been the face of calmness. Or sanity. But mostly I hide it. I write, a lot. I poke fun at the insanity. I cover it in self deprecating humor. So just imagine this next however many paragraphs said in my gravely serious face, mkay?

Today is one of those days I am paralyzed by overwhelming fear of the bar exam and have accomplished exactly nothing to prepare for it while knowing I should be doing SO much more. While cursing myself for not doing so much more all along. And instead of facing fear, I hide. And when I hide, I write. Or watch TV. Or look up endless things on the internet that have no bearing or impact on my life. 

I watched a really stupid movie earlier. I knew it was stupid. I knew in watching it I was wasting precious time when I could have instead been studying. And yet I couldn't pull myself away. 

And now it's 1 a.m., I'm nowhere near tired and just a ball of anxiety. I try, try so very hard, to keep the negative thoughts at bay, but there they are. About how I'm going to fail. About how I'm never going to accomplish anything meaningful with my life. About the fear of all the crushing debt it took to get to this point. I fear disappointing everyone. Myself. I lay my head on top of the dog because when all else fails, he's gonna love me. I fear this is it. Like IT. Just this. Me, this house, this life. And god that's scary. 

I know, cognitively I KNOW this is just a test and this too shall pass and there's more ahead. But that's the rational logical voice and it doesn't stop the overwhelming fear, irrational part of the brain from kicking into overdrive. I do practice MBEs and wish I did MORE practice MBEs and I continue to get the property ones so very very wrong and I tell myself to take deep breaths and really think about it. And I haven't even studied Community Property (was tested on the last bar exam, but still a huge risk just ignoring it) or Remedies yet at all and still need to go back and revisit evidence because good lord are hearsay exceptions and I still not friends. I have five emails on wtf larceny is and I think we're all losing the forest for the trees a little bit and I KNOW my weakness is writing essays and need to tighten that up and really think about explaining every little last detail of every last thing and letting the bar examiners know I'm not a complete moron but just...look, it's warm under the covers, mkay? And if I don't move forward I can't fail and if I don't fail I can't disappoint anyone but then I'm just STUCK in this totally boring, homeostatic space. 

So yeah. That's my head space currently. And I thought if I just put it out there, in the universe, it might calm me. But, um, that doesn't seem to have worked. So I'm going back to my desk over there in the corner and gonna try some more studying.

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