Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Day 3: Irrational Anger

If 2 days ago was lay (lie?) sob on the floor panic day and yesterday was giddy happy because you can't cry anymore and belief in the zen of the universe then today is "I'm so angry I want to kick a puppy or punch a wall or throw something, I wish I wasn't too old to have a temper tantrum in the middle of the grocery store (even though I didn't even GO to a grocery store today)" day. We'll call these the stages of it being two weeks away from the bar exam.

I am an irrationally angry little monkey today. (Why an always an angry monkey? Because angry bunny doesn't have the same ring to it?) (Hey! We're back to an overuse of parentheticals. Awesome.)

I'm just...there aren't words. Just blind range. Example: I have this stainless camelback water bottle with a straw and for reasons beyond my understanding (probably physics) sometimes when I pop the top on the straw lid thing it just spits water everywhere. Today that led me to violently shaking the bottle 'til it stopped spitting water, but ending up with water drops all down my jeans, and then I tossed the bottle across the room. It's still there, on its side, on the floor. Totally rational response, right?

I got mad, irrationally of course, at the whole process today. For having to sit through a professional responsibility outline AGAIN. I say again because you take a class in PR with a final, you take the MPRE which is required by all states as a component of the bar, and then it's on the motherf*cking bar too. So this is the 3rd time I'm being forced to remind myself the basic rule is: Don't f*ck your clients, and don't f*ck your clients money. (Which isn't even the rule. In CA sleeping with your clients is totally legit so long as you're not bribing them with sex to be a good lawyer. Yay CA!) Let's point out the sheer oxymoronic-ness of LEGAL ETHICS while we're at it (oh, I make lawyer jokes too, folks).

I got angry that there was no dinner. That there is no food in this house despite the fact that I KEEP BUYING IT. That people can't replace the few things that I do buy after THEY eat them. I shoved Swedish fish in my face that I didn't even really want. I got angry that I wasn't even hungry to begin with so why did I care? I got angry that my mother wanted to talk to me. And then that she pointed out that I was cranky today. "Nooo. Really??? I hadn't noticed." (I didn't say that. I just said, "Yep" and she said,  "At least you recognize it.") Angry that the dog wanted to play. I want to claw my skin off. I want the Corp outline to stop saying "Unless agreed to otherwise or stated in the bylaws" after every expletive expletive expletive sentence! I want my Mac which is JUST pass warranty to stop running like a bitch. I should probably go run. But if I leave the house I fear this will lead to me running the car into something just out of the sheerest curiosity of what will happen.

So it's a banner day up in this bitch. AND I can't even force myself to angry study. Gritting my teeth, sighing through it, gonna be better tomorrow...

BUT! I have devised a post bar drinking game: I'm bringing the CMR to whatever bar I end up at on that Friday night and we're passing the book around and flipping to random pages. The page you land on? Have to drink as many times as the word reasonable appears (don't even get me started on how much I hate the word...meaningless word...reasonable). My bets are on everyone being black out drunk two hours after we start.

Oh. And even I realize that mostly I'm mad at myself for even having to do this again and for not even doing it particularly better this time than last time. I'm gonna go scream into my pillow.

Alcohol might be nice right about now...

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